I spend a great amount of time on the Max in Portland. That’s their public transit rail system, undoubtedly one of the best I’ve ever caught the flu on. See, no one covers their face anymore when sneezing or coughing. I mean, God forbid anyone miss receiving or responding to a text message. Luckily,most of the spray hits the screen on their phone but damn man. Come on.
I’ll tell you what happened. I stepped onto a crowded train one morning at about seven-thirty. Now when I say crowded, I mean that there is absolutely no doubt as to who had overdosed on the snooze button that day and who had actually taken a shower. Looking back, I wish I’d been standing beside the redneck who was wearing a sleeveless flannel and I don’t know if it was him or the shirt, but I could smell onions from ten feet away. The stink from that, I could at least scrub off with a shower. See, getting the flu or a cold puts me down for days and usually turns into bronchitis. I know. I know. I need to quit smoking. You think I’m an asshole now. I suppose foaming at the mouth, crouched in a corner, and rocking back and forth from from withdraw isn't as bad as dying.
So anyway, I step onto the max into an area of about two-foot by two-foot next to a tall and lanky, nerdy looking guy. He might have been a geek. I’m not sure. Apparently, in our world of political correctness there’s a difference. He wore a blue and white, checkered, short-sleeve shirt. His hair was brown and curly. He had on a pair of old school glasses with the awkward square frames and, apparently the eye-glasses store tossed in a free eye-enlargement to boot. I thought they only did that with lips, tits, and penises.
His thumbs were almost invisible. I wondered if he had a girlfriend and if she appreciated his magical hands. You laugh but take a look around. Nerdy and Geeky is the new man. I saw his nose twitching and he got all squinty. I tightened my lips as if to create an artificial filter between me and the germ-ridden eminent disaster ahead. I took tiny short breaths through my nose and released quick little exhales through my mouth. I was trying to breathe without breathing. Try doing that if you’re a smoker. I kept thinking if this guy sneezes, with as close as I’m standing, I’m going to feel the wrath of Hurricane Kasneeza.
That’s not the worst of it either. As he’s wrinkling up in preparation to sneeze, as if it’s an epic event, he starts coughing at the same time, just a little, and that’s what set off the chain reaction. His short little coughs got a little louder and a little longer. His face got tighter and more wrinkled. Disaster was eminent. You know the stupid face we all make right before we sneeze. Then he made the face he probably makes in the throes of orgasm. That’s when the gust of wind came, bringing the tragic waves of Hurricane Kasneeza. I’ve been told that I exaggerate. Okay, fine. Maybe there was someone on the other side of him spraying a Windex bottle.
Regardless, I was squinting like a newbie in Portland rain. Don’t worry, though. I squint less and less as time goes on, but anyhow. The nerd's phone was covered in tiny bubbles of nose mist and gets this. He never missed a beat. His thumbs continued at their rapid rate with his technological fury. The guy had to be a surfer. Have you ever tried texting while riding the Max? I’m having a good day if I don’t stumble at least once. No offense to the train operators but I wouldn’t trust them if even if they said they’d be gentle.
While the nerd was surfing and riding the waves of T9, I was standing in a confined space failing my Lamaze class. My self-made filtration was tiring. I was another seven stops away from my destination but I had to step off. When the doors opened I scurried through the mist and out the doors, the prerecorded female voice warning me that the doors were closing. I didn’t know whether to kiss the ground or find a doctor. I can imagine walking in and the doctor asking the reason for my visit. Well, doc this guy sneezed on me. Can you help me? His reply being that he can give me flu shot. Hey, what a great idea! Pump me full of infections for my body to fight so that my immunity builds up. A guy just covered me in God knows what. Is that really all you’ve got, doc?
What this town needs, no, not an enema but good guess for all you Bat Man fans. What this town needs are hand sanitizers at the bus and max stops. If public health is truly a shared concerned then what better way to promote good public health. Put the anti-bacterial foam dispensers at some or all public transit stops. Stop the spreading of germs and bacteria in this wonderful City of Roses. Truly Oregonians, no one should ever have to endure the wrath of Hurricane Kasneeza.
Bobby Travis